Inversions and the end of a quarter

Tonight I decided to work on inversions with a little help from David.  I wanted to make sure that I give myself the opportunity to feel verticality.  I have always had a problem with inversions, mainly with getting my pelvis in the right alignment over my head.  What I felt when I was finally vertical was a lengthened feeling in my abdominal wall.  Well, actually, engagement AND length at the same time.  It was great!  Also, I think I might need to consider that my back will feel a little arched at first because normally I want to round my back when my head is going to the floor.

It was a liberating experience tonight and one of many experiences from this quarter's yoga class that I will happily carry with me into other areas of my life.

Tomorrow is technically when yoga journals are due (in my case, my yoga blog).  I suppose this could be my last post as it would have fulfilled my class assignment.  I will, however, continue to post findings, revelations, etc once a week as my yoga practice is never-ending and always developing.

So... Thank you Michael Morris for your guidance and inspiration!

Till next week...

Yoga Competition?

I know yoga competitions exist, but I really don't understand them.  To me they are completely separate from yoga practice or the yoga discipline.  I understand that proponents for yoga competitions say it is one way to get people into yoga studios to practice yoga and learn the deeper value of practice beyond asanas, but I think this is a superficial reason.  If someone is interested in learning the value of yoga, he will find himself in a yoga studio.  If he is introduced to yoga through watching a competition, he might be more interested in yoga competitions.  In other words, I think yoga competitions will breed yoga competitors, not enlightened human beings.

That's just my two cents worth.

Revisiting

Today I popped in an old yoga DVD that I used to practice called Baptiste Power Vinyasa Yoga.  It was wonderful to notice slight differences.  Baptiste's language is different than Michael Morris's, however, I found myself translating Baptiste's words into what I have been exploring in Morris's class.

For example, when Baptiste would talk about breath, specifically "oceanic breathing," my ears heard ujjayi.  When Baptiste spoke of drawing the belly in deep, I thought of muscle engagement and the Svadhistana Chakra.

The particular vinyasa yoga I practiced today was a thirty minute session that focused on core strength, so there were more "exercises" for the abdominal muscles, which I needed today.  I found it interesting that it was next to impossible for me to maintain ujjayi breathing when I moved through more tradition abdominal exercises.  It was if my mind kicked into "gym" mentality.  The other thing I marveled at was how quickly 30 minutes passed.  I have more patience and stamina in yoga then I did when I first bought that DVD.  What a happy discovery!

Self and All Else

From the Bhagavad Gita:

If a man keeps dwelling on sense-objects,

attachment to them arises;

from the attachment, desire flares up;

from desire, anger is born;

from anger, confusion follows;

from confusion, weakness of memory;

weak memory—weak understanding;

weak understanding—ruin.

I understand this.  I get where attachment to sense-objects is going.  And as I eat my ice cream, I confess that I don't think I can totally rid myself of desire for sense-objects.  I think, though, there is balance that must be considered.  For me, it is really about dwelling on the attachment.  Moderation, right?

Another reason I think balance is important, is that (for me) I am able to understand the world if I acknowledge desires; not completely give way to them all the time, but acknowledge and understand them just the same.  It's human nature to have desire.  If I completely ignore what desire feels like, I don't think I would understand everyone else around me.

It's counter-intuitive for me to think of detaching myself from everything and everyone in order to explore the idea of universal Consciousness.  However, I know that when I "sequester" myself (to borrow the words from my last post) to my room to meditate, I am detaching myself from everything and everyone in order to get in touch with my own Self.  After meditation, I am a much more centered person, more grounded and more accepting of others.

Admittedly, this week has lacked the same dedication to meditation that I had the week before.  I literally have been falling asleep while doing coursework.  Tomorrow is Saturday and I will be practicing yoga  and meditating.  I'll get back to another post tomorrow, writing about breath and whatever else comes up.

Ah, Breath!

Even though today is quite hectic, I was able to sequester myself for 15 minutes of meditation.  I went through the chakras and felt much freer today than yesterday morning.  I also worked on breath and found that too to be an easier time.  The root and crown chakras were still harder than the others, but I felt more aware of them than yesterday.

I'm closing this post with a quote from "The Breathing Book: Vitality & Good Heath Through Essential Breath Work" by Donna Farhi

"First of all the twinkling stars vibrated, but remained motionless in space, then all the celestial globes were united into one series of movements ... Firmament and planets both disappeared, but the might breath which gives life to all things and in which all is bound up remained."  Vincent Van Gogh

Guided Meditation

For the most part, I have continued my ritual of evening stretching and meditation before going to bed. Last night I was completely spent so I decided to try something new and go through a guided meditation this morning instead. Here are my findings:

1. Despite the preliminary stretching I do before I even get out of bed, I was still pretty stiff when sitting in meditation this morning.
2. I'm already in a hurry because I know I have to go to work/campus, so it was a little more difficult to concentrate or to relax.
3. There were three chakras that I felt most comfortable directing my attention. I found that the Svadhistana Chakra (associated with emotions) was comforting and warm. I easily directed my attention there. The Anahata Chakra (associated with the expansive nature of love) had quite the same effect. I also felt my eyes relax. My eyes and forehead relaxed even further when I focused my attention to my Ajna Chakra (Third Eye).
4. The Muladhara Chakra (Root Chakra) was really hard for me to access.  I kept thinking about how my feet ached.  I tried to redirect my breathing more actively towards my feet, but this was very difficult.  I wonder if the issues I have with my feet lately are a reflection of the fact that I am still adjusting to the newness of grad school.
5. I felt a little queazy breathing through my Manipura Chakra (located around the Solar Plexus).  Could it be the morning?
6. My Vissuddha Chakra (Throat Chakra) was a little congested, which is funny because I am constantly working on being articulate throughout class discussions.
7. The Sahasrara Chakra (Crown Chakra) prompted me to sit up straight again.  (While I was really comfortable focusing my attention to my Ajna Chakra, I think I let my spine round and sink.)  When the guide announced, "I know," I questioned what that meant.  I think "knowing" doesn't necessarily mean "knowing everything", but "knowing that there are things you might not know."  Also there is much to learn about enlightment.  Isn't that a life-long quest?

Shift in Perception

This week's journal prompt comes from The Splendor of Recognition: An Exploration of the Pratyabhijña-hrdayam, a Text on the Ancient Science of the Soul by Swami Shantananda.  I've decided to include two of the quotes and they're pretty long, but I think they're good to include in the post.  My response will follow. (Feel free to read in any order you like.) In addressing Sutra 10 of the Pratyabhijña-hrdayam, Shantananda writes:

“The five acts [in the eternal play of Conscioussness], the pañca-krtya, which are a fundamental concept in the Saiva tradition, are outline in a passage from Svacchanda-tantra in which the Divine is venerated as the One who brings about emanation (srsti), dissolution (samhara), concealment (vilaya), maintenance (sthiti); and who dispenses grace (anugraha), which destroys the affliction of those who have bowed to him. With these five acts—creation, maintenance, dissolution, concealment, and the bestowal of grace—the Lord carries out everything that happens in the universe. If we pay attention, we can see the pañca-krtya, in the cycles of life that occur all around us: in taking birth, in living, in dying, as well as in the suffering that comes from ignorance of the Self and the delight that follows true knowledge. In the experience of humanity, there is the meeting of cells in reproduction, the maintenance of the tissues and physical functions, and their demise. There is also lack of awareness [concealment] that this vital organism we call ‘the body’ is a function of our thoughts, and the grace of experiencing the nature of our innermost being.

“Sutra 10 invites us to contemplate that we, too, carry out Siva’s dance, performing the pañca-krtya, just as he does. We can verify this by observing ourselves. Consider what’s happening for you right now. The words you are reading at this moment are your creation, srsti. I might have written them, but they exist for you only through your own perception. In that sense, you are creating them anew at this moment. As these words continue being present in your perception, you maintain them, sthiti. They exist and are meaningful to you because you, as a conscious being, make them real. As you continue reading, the words that you perceived earlier disappear; you dissolve them, samhara. If you were to close your eyes, the entire book would disappear, together with everything you might have been seeing up to that moment. These are aspects of everyday life. Now come the two most crucial actions. Do you realize that there is no essential difference between you and what you perceive? In other words, are you experiencing everything as Self in this moment? If the answer is no, that means you are engaging in the act of concealment, vilaya. However, if you are experiencing the essential identity between your I-consciousness and the objects of your perception, then you have accomplished the act of grace, anugraha. (204-205)”

I started a new ritual after Monday's post.  I had to.  I have resolved to take a hot shower every night, drink some hot tea, engage in restorative stretching, meditate, and then go to sleep - no matter if it is after midnight.  My meditation has been more of a review for myself of the day - of the times during when I smiled or discovered something new.

This is what I have discovered and why I feel this added commitment is necessary:  I have to do more for myself in order to understand the enormous amount of new information and all the revelations that I am experiencing on a daily basis.  Or else, I'm not sure I am fully appreciating all this.  I am learning that graduate school is, of course, a wonderful opportunity for personal growth, but it is also a process of breaking down things I thought I knew of myself - sort of shattering my ego and shifting my idea of reality.  At first, this is disconcerting and hard to handle.  I am quick to judge myself harshly, so it is easy to hold onto what might seem like the negative aspects of this process.  However, it doesn't have to be about the negative and I am finding (and am hungry for) the positive result of finding myself new in each day - of finding a reality where I am opening to grace.  My practice can no longer consist of showing up to yoga class twice a week, making a couple of posts in this blog and then thinking that alone will sustain me; that reality has shown itself to be one of instability.  I need the time to let certain concepts and acknowledgements sink in and this is something I have to do for myself.

One last note on "letting go." After a long hot shower to clean the dirt of the day off, hot tea to wash everything down, some stretching to release tension and a review of the the positive things (whether it's a smile or a hard lesson), I am free to sleep easy and start a new day the following morning.  I've only done this for two nights in a row, but it has already been tremendously helpful.  In two more hours, I'll perform this ritual again.  Hopefully I've started a good trend for myself.  I'll keep you "posted."

Let go! And I mean it!

I am getting stuck in trying to let go. I have become quite aware that there are things I can easily let go of and others I cannot. And the "shoulds" are getting in my way. I "should" be able to let go of certain expectations in my practice. I "should" accept myself the way I am at this very moment. I "should", but I'm not quite ready yet. Unfortunately I am painfully aware of my inadequacies of letting go and this is perpetuating the issue.

(Deep breath. A yawn and a sigh. And I will continue.)

Lisa Waugh left a great comment on my "Centering" post:

This quote made me think about what I have heard so many times, "We don't accept things until we are ready for them."

Admittedly, I wasn't ready for class today.  I debated not going.  I just couldn't stay home though and think of what I might have missed.  In any case, what I ended up thinking about as I began class, was about loss. LOSS.  If we "let go" of certain things that serve us no purpose, does that also mean that mourning the loss of those things also serves no purpose? Perhaps the mourning is the beginning of letting go? I really hope so!

Something that Michael said in class today might be useful (like a lot of things he says).  What do you put in place of the things you let go?  This is a good question.  I think it's harder to let go of something if you think you'll be hollow without it.

Letting Go

What a challenging class yesterday! My mind was all over the place. My breath flowed inconsistently and I was overly troubled by the student next to me who sat down for 95% of the class picking at her yoga pants. I've noticed this behavior from her before, but it didn't bother me until yesterday. This time, I just couldn't get over it. I tried to let it go because it did not serve any good purpose other than to obsess. My curiousity kept stealing me away from my own practice. I wanted to ask her if she was okay. Was she sick? Did she not care enough? At one point I said to myself that I was insulted. Then I followed that up with - Why should I care? Next, I blamed myself for interrupting my own practice with idle judgements about a person I did not know. It was truly frustrating. I thought, up until yesterday's class, that my concentration and focus was really coming along. I also thought of myself as a non-judgmental participant, but clearly this is not true. In fact, I'm embarrassed to admit it.

During meditation, I calmed down and brought my awareness back to myself. I don't have a solution figured out should this happen again. The only option I settled on upon rising from savasana, was that I will not place my mat next to her. Just one person over would be helpful. This is avoidance, rather than acceptance. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently and decide I need to be next to her. Regardless, it is obvious that I allowed (and quite easily) another person to distract me. It wasn't her problem, but mine.

Open to Success or Failure

This week’s journal prompt is again from the Bhagavad Gita, from the translation by Stephen Mitchell (2000):

You have a right to your actions,
but never to your actions’ fruits.
Act for the action’s sake.
And do not be attached to inaction.

Self-possessed, resolute, act
without any thought of results,
open to success or failure. (Chapter 2, stanzas 47-48)”
(20-21)

Being a goal-minded individual, this is a difficult passage to put into practice.  It's a part of my culture to have a kind of outline to life with particular results in mind or particular expectations.  Expectations, specifically, are something I struggle with on nearly a daily basis.  I "expect" that graduate school will be challenging. I "expect" to lose sleep. I "expect" that I'll have days that show me things I have seen before. In all three of these simple examples, I set myself up to miss potentially beloved moments in life. Instead of constantly expecting difficult challenges, what if I accept that sometimes learning flows easily and that I may rest peacefully? What if I pay more attention to the possibility of deeper meanings, or new applications of meanings, to inform me in different ways?  In a more practical sense, what if I go into a yoga posture, without a preconceived idea that it is going to feel bad or good or that I will be able to express the posture well or poorly?  Isn't the expression at the time it is performed just what it is - an expression alone?  With that questioned posed, I follow with this excerpt:

But the man who delights in the Self,
who feels pure contentment and finds
perfect peace in the Self—
for him, there is no need to act.

Love thyself (the whole self - not just the parts that you "expect" will look good).

Centering

My goal in class yesterday was to center my attention using my breath. When particular spirals felt too tense, I tried to focus more on my breath and hearing my breath. I feel like I still have so much to learn about ujjayi breathing. Again - this is why they call it practice, right? I wonder how my breathing will be different tomorrow, next month, next year.

One particular moment was eye-opening. I actually worked with the flow of my breath to get into half moon pose and back out. There were no bobbles (well, standing on my left leg). I felt a warm path of energy flowing from my diaphram to my pelvis to my feet. My left hand was planted firmly on the ground. I felt stable! Persistence towards knowledge! I'm excited for the next revelation!

And so, I pass on this quote:

If the Tao could be served up, everyone would serve it up to their lords. If the Tao could be offered, there is no one who would not offer it to their parents. If the Tao could be spoken of, there is no one in the world who would not speak of it to their brothers and sisters. if the Tao could be passed on, there is no one who would not pass it on to their heirs. However, it obviously cannot be so and the reason is as follows.



If there is no true centre within to receive it, 

it cannot remain;

if there is no true direction outside to guide it,

it cannot be received....

Source: The Book of Chuang Tzu (Arkana S.), Page: 122..123

Wisdom and Realization

This week's journal prompt contains three quotes, two from the Bhagavad Gita and one from “The Yoga of Wisdom.” In the "Yoga of Wisdom," Krishna says:


“However men try to reach me,
I return their love with my love;
whatever path they may travel,
it leads to me in the end. (73)”


This quote struck me the most.  It also points me back to part of one of the quotes from the Bhagavad Gita when Krishna describes true wisdom to Arjuna:


“. . . the truly wise, Arjuna,
who dive deep into themselves,
fearless, one-pointed, know me
as the inexhaustible source.



Every class we begin and end by chanting "om".  Why do we do this?  I would assume for each person, it can be for different reasons and I'm sure our teachers tell us why we do this.  For me though, this is an action that initiates my discovery in the beginning of class and then sends me on my way after an hour and a half of practice.  This is when I quiet my mind and verbally call for my focus; to reach deep within myself and open to grace and self awareness.  At the end of class I chant to call an end to my practice, but also to feel the reverberation of the chant and practice bringing that "reverberation" into the rest of my day as an "inexhaustible source."

Cycle of Seasons

In yoga practice, we return to the same postures over and over again.  How can we approach each as fresh and new each time?  For me, it points to intention.  With the prompt from Michael, I made a conscious effort from the beginning of the class to be mindful of what I was doing at the very moment I was doing it.  Another consideration was discontinuing comparisons of previous attempts.  Some days, flexibility is better than others.  Today, I was happy with my pigeon pose because I found muscle engagement at the same time I found release.  I was also happy with less spinal twist in the triangle pose, because I did all I could do this morning.

"Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure.  But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer." - Shinichi Suzuki

Today I felt good, tomorrow I might suffer.  My commitment to embracing transience is also transient!

The Fire of Yoga

This week's journal prompt is from the 14th Sutra of the Pratyabhijnahrdayam.  Consciousness is referred to as a burning fire.  Gurumayi says:

"Whatever comes up, offer it to the fire of love, the fire of yoga.  This is how we should establish our life in our own being, so that no matter what flies at us, no matter what comes up from within ... it all gets burnt up in the fire of yoga. (278)"

Being a first year graduate student who is constantly trying to keep up with the constant onslaught of learning new things and the massive amount of course work, I feel a little stressed.  Additionally, I have a few family concerns that I am trying to manage.  Today, I went through yoga practice, trying to ignore the announcements in my head about what I needed to get done - not at all having to do with yoga.  Eventually the announcements grew louder.  I practiced offering the stress and concerns to the fire.  Interestingly, it made tears run down my face.  Hmmm. Water, not fire.  Nevertheless, I took this to mean a release.  I could have used more time with this though.  The release was fleeting as tension grew up again during my next class.  Oh well - practice, practice, practice.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow's class.

Existence and Perception

The journal prompt for the week of October 7th is taken from The Splendor of Recognition: An Exploration of the Pratyabhijña-hrdayam, a Text on the Ancient Science of the Soul by Swami Shantananda. Below are two quotes that Shantananda offers.  One is from Baba Muktananda's book Mukteshwari and the other is a quote from Abhinavagupta:

"Because of your existence

Creation exists.

If you do not exist,

Nothing exists.

Muktananda, first know your Self.

What are you looking for

East and west,

North and south,

Above and below?
Muktananda, the whole universe

You alone are, you alone are,

You alone are. (38-39)” - Baba Muktananda

“Nothing perceived is independent of perception, and perception differs not from the perceiver; therefore the [perceived] universe is nothing but the perceiver. (45)” - Abhinavagupta

My response:
"First know your Self."  I am struck by that sentiment.  My own perception or knowledge of the universe would not exist if I did not exist.  My experiences would not exist if I did not exist.  That seems obvious, but it's odd to consider.  I am part of this universe and everything in it, but the perception of it starts from within myself.  I own my reality.

Most recent application of perception and embodiment:
Eight forty-five a.m. rolled around early October seventh.  At the beginning of yoga practice I noticed that my breathing was shallow, my balance a little shaky.  It took a while to slow my breathing down and release the urge to listen to my inner dialogue about weight and muscle tone.  Sometime in my adult life, I recorded a soundtrack of unhelpful criticisms that chooses to play when it is least helpful.  About halfway through class I was able to reacquaint myself with my center and quiet the unnecessary dialogue though connecting with my breath - not just hearing my breath, but moving with and being a part of the inhalations and exhalations.  The function of my breath, an everyday act of existence, at last informed my movement in class.  During savasana, my breath was not the only thing to which I connected.  Next to me was another student, breathing deeply.  And next to him another and another.  I kept my own breathing steady while aware that we were all a community breathing life into our own practice.

A few words regarding embodied awareness

So what is to be done?
I'm suggesting a return to a primordial language.
One that exists as the deepest knowledge and expression that humanity knows.
It predates spoken language, it has its roots in the emergence of awe.
It is present in everyone, as an elemental music and reflection of molecular and stellar movement.
It is a genetic design built into leaf patterns and the bobbing of sea horses.
It is eminently present to children, we have educated it out of them.
but it is the story of our place in the universe and we must begin to tell that story again.
What we are losing is our ability to speak to the whole.
The songs of celebration, the poetry of praise.
Author unknown

To me the most important statement is - "What we are losing is our ability to speak to the whole."  It seems like I spend so much time segmenting my life into manageable chunks and tiny experiences, that I forget the whole picture.

Practice, practice, practice.

Opening to Grace

Michael (our beloved yoga instructor) is doing a wonderful job with word choices and when to employ them.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE when Michael chooses to say "Open to grace."  It makes all the difference when an asana is getting particularly challenging.  It makes me pause and remember to be good to myself, to be open hearted and to be accepting of my own goodness.  You'd think of all things a person could  accept him/herself, but I think sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.  Perhaps that's why they call it "yoga practice."

Meaning is More Than Words

I have to admit that I had to read Mark Johnson's excerpt about body-based meaning more than once.  It seemed too obvious at first.  Of course there is no separation between mind and body. I could not function without my brain and body working together.

Without reading Johnson's entire book or article, I suspect what he is referring to is the absence of God or some other supreme being that would give human beings meaning that they could not otherwise receive on their own.  I have to say that this is a brave first reading to assign a class of 30 students in an elective class.  I wonder if students expected such an existential first reading!  As to whether I agree or disagree with Johnson, I would have to read more.  What is the title of this book or article?

Donna Farhi's Effort and Surrender

Those who know I enjoy yoga most likely know I enjoy reading Donna Farhi books and would love to study with her.  From time to time I open Bringing Yoga to Life and randomly read an excerpt.  I find it telling that Friday morning, the first Friday of my first week in graduate school, I should open the book directly to the chapter Effort and Surrender.

In the Yoga-Sutra Patanjali distinguishes between different kinds of effort.  We are told that self-realization is imminent if our actions are performed with ardor, enthusiasm, and sincerity and that the more intense this passionate effort, the closer the goal (1.21-1.23).  Yet immediately following this exposition on effort, we're advised that effort and the spontaneous realization of oneness are a contradiction in terms.  We can choose another option, and that is to surrender to God.  How do we reconcile these two seemingly contradictory paths?

I'm not sure I can answer that question for myself yet, but after this first week of school (and essentially the first week back to technique classes), I think most of us wanted to surrender in some way; to rest and just to listen.  Friday morning my alarm went off to the music of The Gotan Project - wonderful Tango music that helped me drip out of bed and onto a yoga mat in the next room.  I laid on my back and went through breathing exercises, moved through some simple restorative poses and eventually draped myself over a bolster in a relaxed child's pose.  What I found so wonderful was the lack of effort that allowed me to be still and listen to my breath and my heart.  My heart beat so that it moved my body slightly over the bolster till it didn't seem like "my" heart beating, but just a lifeforce making its presence known.  I found this incredibly comforting and peaceful.  My day moved along with greater ease as well.